tv midnight With Chris Hardwick Comedy Central May 9, 2017 11:31pm-12:02am PDT
leaking. ( laughter ) cheers and applausl [cheers and applause]nd applausl midnight but these deals will last all through the weekend! every four years, the olympics are back, like a mcrib that (/ bleep/ ) up traffic! the cities that are being considered to host the games in 2024 have been narrowed down to paris and los angeles after frontrunner schenectady pulled out because it had to work. i'm not super enthused about this by the way. couldo you want the olympics he, clogging it all up? is it not crowded enough in los angeles we need to bring the whole [beep] world here -- maybe i'm not a patriotic loss
angelino. as part of the vetting process, the international olympic committee is sending inspectors here to l.a., where they will put on their white gloves and run their fingers along the tops of picture frames and then look at the dirt and shake their heads in disappointment before being mowed down in crosswalks by people in bentleys texting. [cheers and applause] >> chris: yes. as it's known to the locals, has to clean up its act if we want the olympics to come back to town with all its sweet, sweet traffic jams and soon-to-be-deserted coliseums that we can turn into a halloween headquarters. like this post on the "la2024olympics" says: "...we must be on our best behavior... please don't give the finger to anyone that week..." pra *us. >> chris: comedians besides not flipping off tourists, what are some things l.a. residents can do to make los angeles look better in the eyes of the international olympic committee inspectors? jon. >> hollywood spider man needs to register as a sex offender.
>> chris: yes he's -- legally not allowed to shoot webs within 500 feet. steve. >> chris: stel that crazy guy beating off in a starbucks bathroom not to yell ethnic slurs while he's [beep]. >> chris: points. dulce. >> give fresh flowers to all of the screaming homeless people. >> chris: very good. we will have the olympics here in no time. >> chris: next up fbi homey, head of the federal boo bee inspectors was fired by donald trump. rumors has it he over stated the e-mails that clinton sent. also there is word about the shrpies he is stealing from work. who has not, this is a witch hunt. they write on anything. it's permanent. it's a very useful pen.
anyways now comeeeecomilian has been released into the work force he has to get the resume going what's a line? >> people know me best for my timing. >> chris: points. very good. dulce. >> great at surveillance, real people person, may of helped ruin the country. >> chris: jon. >> to help a fashionist get elected, proficient with microsoft word. >> chris: next, #salontalk. indispensable-- my guy sean is the reason i look like a dapper 'lil hunk instead of a raggedy dandy. but one of the best parts of getting your hair done is the hot goss-- who's dating whom, who's leaving whom, who insists on saying "whom" because it's grammatically correct even though it sounds pretentious as (/ bleep/ ). and nothing shows this chit chat
off better than this adorable viral video of a woman and her hairdresser, captioned #salontalk: >> and then i saw him. are you crazy. >> girl, he -- right. >> crazy. girl. i'm trying to tell you. >> i'm trying to tell you. >> girl. >> girl. [cheers and applause] >> chris: come on. right there, she is giving mommy an up dodo. this mom didn't ask her hairdresser anything. is the next client of this baby stylist getting the scoop on her life. dulce. >> girl, what's new in your life, solid food? i see you. >> chris: points. jon. >> what do you do to make your ass look so fat. you [beep] your pants, awesome. >> chris: alright.
>> chris: next, a normal day in walmart. a photo posted by "impromptu things" has climbed to the top of reddit today depicting a guy in the garden center of a texas walmart getting a talking to from the police. here's part of that photo: so, comedians, why is this fella being stopped by officer dwayne "the cop" johnson? [laughing] >> chris: thank you. a. he has no pants b. he has a dog in a baby stroller wearing sunglasses c. he's attempting to (/ bleep/) a shovel any one of those things, dulce. >> no pants. s in walmart. >> chris: that's true, actually. no pants would be the default. it's actually b. [cheers and applause] >> chris: sideways cap there. >> a seeing eye person. chris: is that what it is. dulce. >> one, this could be anywhere in california. >> chris: yes. >> two, how the hell is it any of this cop's business?
the dead dog is living his best life. >> chris: yes. >> he has the support of humans. chris: we don't know the cop is harassing. the cop maybe like, where did your dog get his sun glasses. >> no it's a cop. [laughing] >> chris: let's check the scoreboards. performing "footloose" with kenny loggins on "the comedy jam," 10:00 p.m. tomorrow on comedy central, it's jon rudnitsky. you have 400 points. [cheers and applause] >> chris: take off your sunday shoe. also 400 points his hour special "tell the damn joke" is available on showtime on-demand, it's steve byrne. [cheers and applause] >> chris: come in again for another one. and with 600 points hosting "get your life live" at the improv in hollywood may 13th, it's dulceé sloan. [cheers and applause]
>> i was trying to get that for two years, we had to get on tv to do this. alright, alright. and now it's time for tonights #hashtagwars. >> chris: the playoffs in the home stretch, [laughing] the n.b.a. playoffs are headed into the home stretch and basketball news dominates the sports landscape. shaquille o'neal, the oscar winning star of "kazaam," announced he'll be running for georgia sheriff in 2020: as sheriff, shaq promises to gun down criminals, as long as they're closer than the free throw line. so since this sport continues to grow in popularity, it's only a matter of time before the league starts expanding. that's why tonight's hashtag is #newnbateams. examples: "los angeles baristas" and "the new york fuggedaboutits!"
[ applause ] i'm putting 60 seconds on the clock, starting now! >> chris: dulce. >> the little rock fighting wal-marts. >> chris: steve winner. >> utah jizz. >> the new england racists. >> the korean town bench warmers. >> the washington none of our lives matter. >> the new jersey what the [beep] is that smell. >> chris: jon. >> the moscow trumps. chris: points. dull saeufrpblgts the atlanta -- falling [beep] apart. >> chris: very good. jon. >> the silver lake vegans. chris: jon. >> the newport what's up, what's up dude. >> chris: points. very good. >> chris: send us your #newnbateams and tag them
@midnight to keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. our tweet-of-the-day from last night's hashtag war was sent to us by @izzy68. well done! tired of paying hundreds more a year in taxes and fees on your wireless bill? only t-mobile one gives you unlimited data with taxes and fees included. that'll save you hundreds. get two lines of unlimited data for a hundred dollars. that's right. two lines. a hundred bucks. all in. and now, the brand new samsung galaxy s8 is here. so what are you waiting for? get the new galaxy s8. plus get 2 lines of unlimted data for a hundred bucks. taxes and fees included. only at t-mobile. there's nothing more than my vacation.me so when i need to book a hotel room, i want someone that makes it easy to find what i want. booking.com gets it. they offer free cancellation, in case i decide to go from kid-friendly to kid-free.
now i can start relaxing even before the vacation begins. your vacation is very important. that's why booking.com makes finding the right hotel for the right price easy. visit booking.com now to find out why we're booking.yeah intwith perfect pairings andold generous half rack of ribs and savory grilled chicken. enjoy two grilled favorites your choice of two sides like unlimited fries all from just $12.99. only at applebee's. woman: so this happened. zoe brought over some lime-a-rita's to ava's rooftop and that's when we knew it was going to be one of those nights. that's elyse busting out her dance move from summer of '08. ( ♪ ) she insists it's her signature move, but we're all pretty good at it. yeah, looks like we're staying here tonight. lime-a-rita. make it a margarita moment.
>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." it's time to play lock, stock and failure: senior edition. for a glimpse into the mouth of madness, look no further than the insane internet rabbit holes of stock photos and videos. our research staff noticed that an especially bizarre genre of these haunted images is stock videos of the elderly. comedians, i'm going to show you a video featuring olds that i'm sure you'll find deeply disturbing or darkly sexual or
who knows maybe you will discover a fetish. for 250 points you will answer regardless. first up, an unusually hip oldster trying virtual reality. [laughing] >> chris: alright what is his review of the vr experience. dulce. >> i loved it but the boner almost gave me a heart attack. >> chris: jon. >> the avocados were ripe and the pits were bad either. >> chris: good. steve byrne. >> you finally fulfilled his life long dream of rubbing one of kim kardashian's butt cheeks. >> chris: and now this fun
celebration! >> adorable. chris: comedians, what is the toit will of the presentation you wouldous this video for? >> how to glaze a grandma. >> what does that mean? chris: points. dulce. >> how to create a golden girls porn parody. >> chris: points. >> i want to know what the glaze thing means. oh, jizz. thanks. >> chris: next up this friendly suburbanite.
>> chris: comedians, what is chit chat you may make with this neighbor? >> oh my phone pinged. did you get the amber alert? oh, you are the amber alert. >> chris: jon. >> can i get my daughter's tutu back, also can i get my daughter back. >> chris: points. fare question. next up this rail rider. >> happy. chris: imagine he's like 200 feet tall. so weird. comedians, usually conductors yell "all aboard!" what does this guy yell? dulce. >> all aboard the -- express. [laughing] >> chris: jon. >> you won't believe these tiny jews i found. >> chris: oh, no. oh, no. >> it's okay. he's a jew. >> so tiny.
chris: my favorite -- >> my favorite. chris: asian trump is funny . >> asian trump. >> thank you. >> china, thank you. [cheers and applause] >> chris: next up, this fun bunch. right here. >> chris: what's a good title for that video, steve. >> what happens in a hobo [beep] pile, stays in a hobo [beep] pile. >> chris: points. finally this man on the move. ♪ comedians, narrate this like a documentary. dulce. >> little known fact that his
own testicle. >> chris: that's what happens. steve. >> welcome to the first episode of "dago chips, breaking hips." >> chris: points. i would watch that. >> chris: it's time for our live challenge, ground control to major dumb. donald trump's administration hasn't been overly concerned with science, which makes sense considering most scientists agree that his skin color should not exist. but trump's latest science mov [laughing] >> good morning. good morning. good morning. [laughing] >> good morning. chris: -- but trump's latest science move is reviving the "national space council," which was created by president eisenhower to oversee u.s. space policy in 1958 before
being disbanded in 1993. it's yet another thing from the 1950's that trump's bringing back, like whooping cough and casual racism. so what scientific mind will lead this group dedicated to plotting our nation's majestic journey into the heavens? none other than v.p. and men's wearhouse mannequin mike pence, a staunch creationist who once comedians, now that we know a man who thinks the twelve apostles barbecued dinosaur meat at the last supper will soon be heading our space program, i want you to come up with a line we might hear from a creationist astronaut. we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more @midnight! [cheers and applause] tonight is tag team tuesday. tonight's comedians are playing for three lucky followers of the @midnight twitter account, so they and their tag team partners will both be winners. @wasabi, @bkj1964, and @honest enigma. ♪ america's favorite cookie delicious european chocolate candy introducing new oreo chocolate candy bars look for them wherever you buy chocolate candy.
these fruit of the loom breaare perfect.wear they need a name just as perfect. the pant snorkel. brrriefs. fruit of the luge. thank you marvin. breezy fo' sheezy. you're a genius. uhh... no. we're going to call it breathable underwear. by fruit of the loom. sfx: [aircraft noises] ♪ ♪ around the world. around the clock. in defense of all we hold dear back home. learn more at navy.com [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here, check this out. ♪ [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist.
intwith perfect pairings andold generous half rack of ribs and savory grilled chicken. enjoy two grilled favorites your choice of two sides like unlimited fries all from just $12.99. only at applebee's. kngetting a check every month. less scary? ("mambo no. 5" playing) with an income annuity from new york life, you pay some money up front and then get checks for the rest of your life. one, two, three, four, five checks. be good at life. new york life. [ morgan yu ] don't let them do this to you. ♪ they're afraid. they're lying to you. [ echoing ] once testing starts, there's no going back. [ normal voice ] you're not what they say you are. [ echoing ] my name is morgan yu. the year is 2035.
you have to destroy talos i. ♪ kill them. ♪ [ male announcer ] rated "m" for mature. but we've got the get tdigital tools to help. now with xfinity's my account, you can figure things out easily, so you won't even have to call us. change your wifi password to something you can actually remember, instantly. add that premium channel, and watch the show everyone's talking about, tonight. and the bill you need to pay? do it in seconds. because we should fit into your life, not the other way around. go to xfinity.com/myaccount [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break, i told you about creationist mike pence becoming head of the national space council and asked you to give me a line a creationist astronaut might say. let's see what you wrote. steve byrne, let's start with you. >> well, this is one set of
footprints on the moon. because the rest of the steps were jesus carrying me. >> chris: very good. pha *u[ applause ] >> chris: jon. >> now, now that i'm alone in the vast expanse of space, i can finally admit i'm gay. [cheers and applause] >> i've always been gay. wait, wait, transmitting back to nasa. i mean i'm gay for vag -- i love those little do dads. you play with them, they get all hard, they have balls. you know what, i'm going to take my helmet off, i'm out. >> chris: alright. good. [cheers and applause] >> chris: your head is exploding in space. >> yes. you get it. >> chris: dulce. >> men are from mars. women are from a man's rib. >> chris: alright. very good.
[ applause ] >> chris: i will give a thousand points to jon. 500 to each steve and dulce. it's time for funi licns plats. around one in five personalized license plates actually makes any sense. usually, they look like a string of nonsensical syllables being babbled by someone possessed by satan, or worse: something unintentionally hilarious. luckily, these license plate fails have been meticulously cataloged for our amusement by clickbait websites. comedians, i'm going to show you a personalized plate fail and you're going to tell me where that person is driving to. first up, ms. poo. where is she going? dulce. >> she is going home to break some off for winny the pooh in the hundred acre woods. >> chris: very good. right in the old hop honey pot. next up, bj mom. i guess you can't be a mom if
you just give bjs. think about it. where is bj mom headed. >> to meet up with cunalingus dad. >> chris: no such person exists. >> that's not true. even nice men -- >> chris: next up. where do you think mr. shart is going? >> that's al roker going to the white house. >> chris: points. kp-rbd >> chris: finally, ana-slex. jon. >> to a dyslexic porn shoot. chris: yes, points. very good. alright. i see by the scores on the board. by 50 points steve you're in third place. i'm sorry we have to eliminate you. any last words before we?
>> what's that? chris: any last words before we throw you back into the streets of hollywood? >> thank you, you have all been great. >> chris: turn on the tanner. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that means it's time to not change the channel, it's for the win! [cheers and applause] >> i'm not a loser, i'm a winner. i'm a winner. i win. i win in a red light. >> chris: this is like reverse winning, it's different. well, i hope you saved some sick days because facebook is rolling out over two dozen original shows next month. finally the site that reveals whose uncle is the most racist while selling your personal data to the government is making television shows! golden age of tv, indeed. facebook has been pretty elusive about what the original shows will be about; all we know for certain is that i'll probably be there hosting the aftershow. comedians, over the break i'd like you to predict a facebook tv show description you'd see in a dvr.
wiand my amazing iphone 7lan i've got all the data i need to learn the things i want to do. (vo) unlimited. $30 per month per line for 4 lines. and now the fifth line is free. get the awesome iphone 7 on us. and with iphone forever, for people with hearing loss, you can upgrade to the latest iphone every year. visit sprintrelay.com.
>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i am going to wipe your scores clean. wipe, wipe, wipe. i will read your answers aloud and you the audience will decide the winner. remember, you're also playing for your tag team partner at home. your new best friend. before the break i asked you to come up with a dvr listing for a tv show that facebook would likely produce. let's see what you came up with: first one ... relatively racist starring your extended family and a couple childhood friends from new jersey. pg-13. [cheers and applause] or ... uggh, this bitch. i hate her stupid kid pictures but they're my nieces. number two is the winner. who is number two? dulce sloan has conquered the internet. congratulations. [cheers and applause] we'll see you all tomorrow night when our guests will be michael starr, lexxi foxx and stix zadinia.
until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting us @midnight with your #newnbateams and become tomorrow's tweet of the day. i'm @hardwick on the tweets and instagrams. be nice to each other. well played. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> the dark web, that place where your kids may be buying drugs online right now. what's that, you don't have kids? that's okay. they sell those on the dark web too. have a kid you hate? you can hire someone to deal with that kid. [laughter] so why don't we shut it down? because the dark web is also an anonymous market for free speech where whistle blowers and political dissidents can operate away from the watchful e